“Sugar Plum, I’m bored, I’m bored, I’m bored.”

“Tracker, it sounds like cabin fever has bit you again. With hunting season over, why don’t you take up trapping? That way you can get out of the house. After all, you’re acting like you have ants in your pants.”

“Good idea! But I’d have to buy some traps.”

“If it’ll make you happy, I’ll let you put your hand in the cookie jar again so you can buy your traps.”

Thumper and I went to the hardware store and bought enough traps to cover a five mile section along the river. I even bought one giant seven foot monster trap for catching anything and everything. The string tag attached to the trap read: “Catch a world record with this trap and win $1,000,000.”

This trap is guaranteed to hold the biggest, meanest, orneriest critters in the world. Yes, even including Big Foot.

“Wahoo!!! Look at this, Thumper. We’re going to be rich, rich, rich!”

The local legend is that there is a world class bear who hangs out in Fuller Gulch, just minutes from my home. He could be the big winner, if we trapped him.

Meticulously we set out all our traps along the river according to the instructions in the trapper’s manual. At the beginning, the waiting tormented me. Patience is something I don’t have. I wanted to go out to check them every day, but according to the trapper’s manual, you shouldn’t check your traps more than twice a week.

So every three days, we made the rounds, checking our traps. And every three days, all the traps had been sprung. There were footprints everywhere. The critters foiled us again and again.

“Thumper, I don’t understand this. I did exactly what the manual said. I even put up the reflectors, hanging them from string above the traps to entice the critters and peak their curiosity.”

After weeks of this, with no results, my enthusiasm went down the drain. Until one day when I went to check the big monster seven foot trap. Even though the trap was sprung, there were foot long prints all around it.

“This has got to be the big one, Thumper. If we can catch this critter, we’ll be famous!”

That’s all it took to light a fire under me. I concluded that I hadn’t placed the trap strategically enough in the rocky gorge. So, I decided to drag it way up to where the game trail narrows. The only way to walk up the trail to the top would be to step right on the pan.

Thumper was acting strangely. The hair stood up on her back, her eyes widened. All of a sudden, she growled very deep and low, coiling her upper lip. “Grrrrr.”

“What is it, girl?” I whispered. “What’s scaring you?”

Once again she growled. I told Thumper to go back to the truck. I didn’t want her to accidentally spring this trap. It would hurt her for sure. She took off like a shot. Whatever was out there was something she didn’t want to encounter.

The trap was in place, and I had it set. It was in the perfect place with those large teeth ready to spring. I drove a big spike into the ground where the ring was attached to the chain. I gave a big sigh and told myself it was time to go because I had an eerie feeling.

All of a sudden, I heard a loud, low roooaaaar. Holy Hannah! What was that?!?! Lions or tigers or bears? As I turned, I was facing the hairiest chest I had ever seen. I don’t know what it was, but it towered over me; it must have been 12 feet tall. It could have been Big Foot, the abominable snowman, or a big bear. I remembered reading an article about when bears attack. It said never to make eye contact, so I never got a good look at what this creature was. I just know it scared the pants off me.

With my head down, I started backing up. You’re not going to believe what a dumb mistake I made. I tripped over a rock and fell backwards right smack dab in the middle of my trap. Kah-whack!!!!

“Thumper, help! Help, Thumper! Help!”

Whatever the creature was I scared it to death when I screamed for Thumper. It headed up join the peanut gallery which consisted of coyotes, fox, badgers, raccoons, squirrels, bobcat, lynx, grizzly bear, and beavers. They were giving each other the high five and laughing hysterically. These were the very same animals that had been springing my traps.

After looking over my shoulder to examine the situation, I realized I was in a real predicament. It was impossible for me to unset the trap because I had no leverage. The trap was so large that I couldn’t even get in the truck to drive home. Thumper looked over the situation, but she couldn’t help; however she whimpered in sympathy. The only thing left to do was to walk home, awkwardly; I had to walk three and a half miles with this object attached to the seat of my pants.

“Well, Thumper, we better get going, if we’re going to get home by dark. I wonder what Sugar Plum will say?”

We trudged along with the chain dragging behind me, just as if I were on a chain gang. Thumper kept running ahead, circling while she waited for me to catch up.

As we crossed the highway to the house, several of my neighbors gave me strange looks as they rushed past me. I finally made it to the front porch. I rang the bell, not really anticipating Sugar Plum’s reaction, but glad to be home nevertheless.

“Ding, dong. Ding, dong.”

“Where is she, Thumper? I can’t stand the pain much longer.”

Finally, I heard Sugar Plum. She opened the door with a broom in her hand. I thought she was going to wallop me.

“Tracker, why in the world did you ring the bell? I’m busy! Can’t you let yourself in?”

Then she realized what was wrong and started howling.

“Well, Tracker, for once I can say a manufacturer’s claim is true! I just picked up the tag for that trap as I was cleaning. I have to agree that it can hold the biggest, meanest, orneriest critters in the world because it caught you!

Now, I wonder what I have to do to enter the contest.”

         THE END